In the past month, Justin and I have become increasingly close. We’ve become something more. I can’t place my finger on it exactly, but it’s there. When we’re together, which has been a lot lately, the connection, chemistry, and affection runs so much deeper than it ever has before. In a way, it’s beautiful and lovely. I’m more in love with him than ever, and I know he could very well love me too.
But on the other edge of that sword, it all makes it that much more difficult for me not to want him in the worst way. I’ve been trying to see if it was possible for me to love him without painfully yearning for him. But he makes it difficult when he’s constantly wanting to see me; or doing things like buying me a new dresser, bringing Lorelai and I coffee, helping me fix my room, pulling me in close to him. It’s all I can do not to break down.
Recently, we were lying together and he was looking at me with such affection that I had to turn away before I fell apart. And I managed to make myself ask him, “Justin, remind me again why we’re not together”. And he said what he has already told me before- that he’s still not comfortable with himself or his life to feel able to commit to me or to anyone. He was worried he would just screw it all up again with us by rushing things and jumping into it when he was still unsure of what he wanted. And then he went on about how deeply he cares about me, how much he enjoys our time together, and he wouldn’t ever consider our time together as a waste or pointless. His take on us is that if it is meant to be, then it will all come together at the right time. And if not, then that just means we were not for each other.
I know all this, and I understand it. It is also what I tell myself to make sense of it all. My head sees it clearly. But my heart. My heart knows no reason or logic. All it knows is that it just wants him. And I can’t help but want him. I can’t help but miss him every day. I don’t know how to fight or bury those feelings. Sometimes, all I can do is breathe through it.
I hate to admit it- but despite my pride in being independent and happy on my own, the loneliness is there under the surface- and it’s palpable. I don’t know if it’s because I am tired of being alone, or if it’s because I am tired of being without him. Am I just lonely, or am I lonely for him?
And what’s worse? Being lonely with no one in sight, or being lonely with the one you want right before your eyes?